Choice

I've had a bad case of insomnia the past few days. My body is tired but my mind is racing through a million things at once, mostly about the future and reflecting on my past. My third year of college is complete and I have one more year to go. The entire idea is simply unfathomable to me. Wasn't it just yesterday I was making the decision to attend Missouri Western? Wasn't it just simply a day ago when I decided to put my life back together after being destroyed? It was just a moment ago that I swore not to let depression strip away what joy I had in my life.

No, it was 3 years ago. 3 years.. how things have changed. How I have changed. They say people can't truly change, that they just simply reveal their true colors. I don't think that is wholly correct. I think people have a choice. A choice to be who they want to be, how they choose to act and react to life happening. You choose to change. You can choose to love and you can choose to hate. It boils down to a simple choice.

I made a choice 4 years ago to walk away from everything that I knew because it was not the path I was supposed to be on even though I wanted so badly to be on it. To have a future that was solidified and seemingly perfect, a simple beautiful life with the person I loved most in the world. But it wasn't perfect, I came to the realization that if I stayed in that life, in that world; I would always wonder what my life could have been. I would always want MORE. So in a heartbreaking decision, I walked away asking God why He would set me on a different path. It broke my heart in a way that I was sure that I would never recover, that I would never love someone the same way that I loved my first love. But God always has a plan and His timing is always perfect. I struggled with depression and anger for a long time after that, when you feel that you have nothing to look forward to. Days can seem pretty bleak. I knew things had to change in order to not feel hopeless. Art became an outlet for my sanity and lit a spark. And that spark burned.

So here I am 3 years later. I have made the most wonderful friendships, found acceptance and true friendship among my sorority sisters, am in a major that I love and that inspires me, dated a couple amazing and some not so amazing guys, moved out on my own, and am constantly loving my life no matter what it brings me.

I have a wonderful boyfriend who loves me at my worst even when I don't deserve it, who encourages me everyday to follow my dreams and will run out to Hyvee at midnight to get me a watermelon only out of love. I have three of the most wonderful people as my best friends, Shawna, Stef and Tiffany who have been there with me every step of the way, they are my soul mates, and I am forever thankful for these human beings who show me what true friendship really is.

What is this life?

It's mine. And every day that comes, I am reminded that love is bigger than the black hole of depression. That I can choose to seize joy every day even when it seems scarce. Life is a choice. Love is a choice. Joy is a choice.

The future is never how we imagined it, it is better. It is brighter. It is more than you could ever hope for.

Til next time,

Savanna